Finding my voice- Chapter 40

Finding my voice


Chapter 40

After praying and asking God to carry me through the day, I cleared up around my room and packed everything that I needed for the day. When I got to the kitchen, bhut’Sizwe was there having breakfast. I greeted and he greeted back.”You slept early last night” he looked at me as I walked up to the fridge to get myself some milk for the cereal that I was planning to have. “I needed an early night. I was exhausted” I explained. “Mmhmm. Anyway, how are you? I heard that our father came to visit you yesterday” he asked. “I’m fine” I took a deep sigh. I didn’t think that the first conversation I would have that day would be about that man. It was a very beautiful day outside, bhut’Sizwe was expecting a child, we were going to visit Tamkhulu- there was a lot we could could have discussed, but he chose to talk about that man. Wow. “Well, yeah. That’s true. He came to see me at work and he was telling me how sorry he was for hurting me” I replied, honestly hoping that the conversation wouldn’t stretch for long. “That man has got to be sick. Who does that? I hope you told him where to get off” he looked at me again. I knew for a fact that he knew everything about that man’s visit, but he just wanted me to tell him what I said, myself. “Yeah, I did. I mean, he can’t just show up and expect things to be normal” I replied again. “Good. You should not entertain him. That man just wants to use you to get to us. He knows that you will be the weakest link because you were not directly hurt by him and his actions” his anger was evidently building up. “That’s true. That man is just trying to use Siya to get to us. We are not going to allow that to happen. To us, he doesn’t exist” sis Zama agreed as she walked in. My goodness, so the conversation was obviously going to take longer than I hoped it would. I looked at her and nodded. “So tell me, are you still mad at Mama even after finding out that Tata is your father too?” bhut’Sizwe asked.

“Uhm, I am running late for work so I have to run” I placed the bowl I was going to use for breakfast, on the kitchen counter. “You’re no longer having breakfast?” bhut’Sizwe asked.”I.. Well, I just thought of something that I needed to do as early as 8am so I really have to run” I replied. “Siyaxolisa, stop running away. I told you to learn to face the music and not always run away at the sight of a challenge or discomfort” sis Zama pulled a firm tone. I looked at her, with my mouth hanging open. “No, you have to face this. Mama is your mother. Yes, she may have not been the best mother in the world, but she is still your mother and she loves you just as much as she loves all her children” she explained. Well, maybe I really needed to face the music and not run away from that issue. “Okay, let me be honest with you guys” I took a sigh. “Well,I was really mad at her when I thought I may have had a different father than the rest of you guys. I felt betrayed and lied to. I felt like my whole life was one big lie, and I hated her for that. Now that Tata has confirmed that I am his daughter, I have been too absorbed by the fact that Tata was trying to creep into my life and how I didn’t want to have anything to do with him, so much that I haven’t thought about Mama” I explained. “It’s understandable. You have been through a lot in the past couple of weeks, and we don’t blame you for all the anger and hatred that you are feeling right now because you are human and you are entitled to hurting and being sad” bhut’Sizwe responded and sis Zama nodded. “Yeah, that’s true. I mean, Mama may have been a very bad mother when it comes to communicating with us, but we can’t deny the fact that she loves us and she did everything in her power to make sure that we have better lives” she added. “I think I still need time to digest everything and learn to live with all these discoveries. But what I can tell you now is that I am not ready to visit her and I hope that this conversation will not get to that” I looked at the both of them. Before they could say anything, Litha walked in. “Oh, there you are” he looked at me with eyes full of happiness to see me. He greeted and everyone greeted back. “I have been knocking on your bedroom door, to check if you were awake and there was no response” he explained. “I am awake. I was just about to have breakfast” I smiled. “Okay, cool” he replied as he made himself comfortable. We all had breakfast and engaged on general conversations until we were done.


When we were done, Litha and I left for work. “How was your night?” he looked at me, and then looked at the road ahead.”Yho, you have no idea. I felt like a zombie, like I didnt belong there” I also looked at him, and then looked at the road ahead too. “You felt like a zombie? What do you mean?” he asked. “I felt like I was in a world I am not familiar with. I couldn’t even feel traces of myself in the room, almost as if my room was not my room anymore. It didn’t feel like the same space that I grew up designing my dreams in. You know, it didn’t feel like the space where I used to leave footprints of my wild imaginations” I looked down. “Maybe that’s because you haven’t been there in a very long time” he explained. I knew that, and I also knew that I had spiritually moved out of that space so I was obviously going to struggle to reconnect with it. “But it will get better in time, it was just the first night” I said. “Oh, so you are planning on spending more time there?” he asked. “I think I need a bit of time to think about a lot of things, and I don’t want to disconnect with my family. You know, my siblings asked me about my relationship with my mother. They wanted to know if I am still mad at her or not, now that I have realized that Tata is also my father” I told him. “…But I told him that I still need time to think things through, and I made it clear to them that I will not be visiting her in hospital until I am emotionally ready” I added. “I love how you are becoming vocal about your emotions” he complimented. “Well, sis Zama actually forced me to engage on that conversation, as I was already trying to run away from it” I gently hit my forehead with the palm of my right hand. “Give it time, you will eventually find your voice and locate your true strength” he assured me. Conversations with him were always empowering, that is why it was easy for me to open up to him. I knew he would make me feel much better and make sense of all my problems and challenges.

The day started at work, and my employees were still very committed to ensuring the success of the business. They worked really hard and their work was satisfactory. Our consistency and love for what we did, fought for us and people couldn’t stop coming through. “Today is another day of hard work and dedication, guys. I am truly impressed with the rate at which we are moving, in trying to keep our business blooming.So I have been thinking, since we have a reading section, I want to initiate a reading club where we can have regular customers to be part of it” I announced. “That is a great idea” sis Mandisa responded almost immediately. “Yeah. So we can have different people reading and reviewing. It will get people reading and falling in love with reading” I explained further. “And it will also get them to actuall feel excited about the reading section and they might end up buying more books” Ntsiki, one of the waitresses added. “And that’s more money for us” Sbu, one of the waiters replied and everyone laughed. We started our day off on a very good note. After praying, we started the business day. Litha and I went to my office. “I am loving your reading club idea” he said, as we got into my office. “Yeah hey. I am just thinking of ways that we can hook our customers up and keep them coming back for more of our specials and reading sessions” I excitedly replied. “May everything go well for you and your business. Your employees are blessed to have a leader like you, who is innovative and smart” he said, and I blushed.”Thank you” I said, pulling my chair and sitting down. Sis Mandisa walked in, for our weekly briefing sessions. She kept me up to speed with everything that has been going on, and providing financial records as well. The session took long, because we were also strategizing the newly birthed Reading Club idea and seeing how we could make it work. “I have been thinking hey. I need to hire someone who will handle our marketing sphere” I announced. “Yes, that would help us get our work out there” she replied. “A lot. I honestly cannot keep up with running the social media handles, and we honestly need to keep alive online as well. Especially because they have been trying to bury us online” I explained further. “Are you still going to employ Palesa?” she asked. Palesa! I completely forgot about her. “Palesa! Oh my word, she completely slipped my mind. She even said she could volunteer, just until we can afford to pay her” I replied. “See? And we really need her. We might even afford to pay her sooner than we think” she added. I loved the amount of faith that she had in the business too. I was blessed.

We finished and sis Mandisa left me to continue working. Litha was sitting on the couch, with his laptop on his lap. Someone knocked on my door, as Litha and I were both silently focused on our computer screens. I looked up and I was confronted by Sivuyile, standing by the door. He still had bruises on his face, and he had a walking stick on his right hand. He walked in and greeted, and we both greeted back. He kept taking short glances at Litha as he walked up to my desk. “How are you?” he asked, looking at me in the eye. “I am fine, and you?” I replied, also looking at him.My heart still couldn’t believe that he was standing before me, on his own two feet. I mean, the way I was angry the last day I saw him, I didn’t think he would recover so soon from my anger. “I am fine, thanks” he pulled a chair and sat down. “Uhm, Litha could you please excuse us for a while?” I looked at Litha. “Oh, okay cool” he got up and walked out with his laptop. “Who is that?” he pointed at the door as Litha gently closed it on his way out. “Some things never change, huh?” I rolled my eyes. “I am sorry, I was just asking. Anyway, let me get to the reason why I came here” he tried to sit comfortably by shifting on his seat. “Yes, please” I looked back at my computer screen. “Siyaxolisa, I will not waste any of your time. I am here to apologize for what I did the other day. It wasn’t my intentions to hurt you and bring out the worst in you like that” he said. I stopped what I was doing on my computer and looked at him. “I was just stupid to let a little fling come between us like that. I honestly was not trying to make you look like a fool or anything” he explained. “You cheated on me, after you have promised me a countless times that you will never cheat on me again. You promised me you have changed and that you will mever hurt me again. I never thought we would ever sit and have this conversation again” I responded. “I know..” he tried holding my hands on the desk, but I quickly moved them away. “I love you. I meant it when I said I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Amanda is just someone from my past, and she was in town on business so she called me” he explained. “And you were ready to sleep with her? Just one phone call from her and you were ready to turn your back on all your promises?” I asked. “It wasn’t one phone call, baby. She called me and informed me that she was coming to town and we kept in touch since then. I knew it was just fun, because she will leave and I am also committed to you” he explained again. “Are you even listening to yourself?” I got up. I had promised myself that I would not let my anger get the better of me.

I went to get myself something to drink from my mini bar fridge, I got myself some bottled water and didn’t offer him anything. “Siyaxolisa, I am not trying to justify my actions here. I know very well that what I did was wrong and that you have every right to be angry. I am sorry. I love you so much and I cannot imagine my life without you” he also got up and tried limping up to me. “Sivuyile, you have put me through a lot. Not only did you make a fool out of me to all your block mates and friends, but you dragged my name through the mud in your family and I had your family members attacking me. I am still trying to fight the bad publicity that your family members brought to my business. How do you expect me to forgive you and act like nothing happened?” I opend my water bottle and took a gulp. “I promise I have sorted that out. They will never come here ever again” he replied. “It is not about them coming here ever again, but it is about what they have already done. They don’t have to come back because they have already done an amazing job at destroying my reputation” I replied, trying so hard to keep it together. He didn’t seem to get that he was the reason I was in that situation and that it had already happened, and he couldn’t undo the damage. “Sivuyile, I will not lie and say I am not disappointed in you for how you treated me. But, I am not going to dwell on the past. Whatever happened between us is over and I will not be wasting my breath trying to make you see how you have hurt me. I am not mad at you, but I just don’t want to have anythig to do with you anymore” I took another huge gulp on my water. “Siyaxolisa please” he tried holding my hand with his left free hand, but I moved my hand away. “Don’t touch me” I spoke through my teeth. “Baby, please don’t do this. Siyaxolisa I love you. I can’t imagine my life without you. Please don’t do this. Please think about this carefully. We had dreams, baby. We had plans…” I couldn’t listen any further, so I cut him short.. “Plans you destroyed and threw out of the window. You are the one who destroyed what we had, so don’t come here and act like you don’t know what is going on here. These are the results of your own actions and this will teach you to take people seriously, because you will keep losing people if you don’t know how to treat them” I said. I could see tears dripping down his cheeks. I could sense hopelessness in his voice and I could see defeat on his face. “Now if you could please excuse me. I have a lot of work to do” I calmly said. I honestly loved him so much, but thoughts of my recent traumas didn’t allow me to even think of listenign to him. I was angry. I was mad!

“Siyaxolisa, I am sorry. I love you so much and I have always imagined my life with you and nobody else. Please don’t destroy our relationship over this. I have learnt my lesson and I promise it will never happen again. I can’t imagine my life with you. Please don’t do this” he tried holding my hand again, but I snatched it away again. “Remember the happy times we have spent together? Do you remember the dreams and plans we had when we were still in varsity, and after varsity? Baby, do you remember how I asked you to spend the rest of your life with me and you agreed? We were meant to be together, Siya. There is no man out there who will ever love you the way I love you. There is no man out there who will worship the ground you’re walking on, like I do. Please don’t use this one incident and forget about all the good times that we have spent and all the good things that I have ever done. I know I am not perfect and I make mistakes, but I can assure you that my love for you is real and I can’t imagine my life without you. I love you baby, please forgive me. We belong together, and you know that…”

Written by: Cinga Dyala

Photo credit: Koena1130

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